Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
