So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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