So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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