I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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