there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
