My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
