Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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