yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
