a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
