YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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