ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
