his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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