I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
