Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
