omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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