Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
