wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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