That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
