i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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