someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
