just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize