He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Randomize
