I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
