dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
