I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I have tasted many bathrooms
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize