theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Randomize
