I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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