it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
