Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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