i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
