I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
love makes seman taste better
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
did i walk over a car last night?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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