You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
