My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
