My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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