I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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