k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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