Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
