after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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