you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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