Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
