3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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