we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
he told me I talked like a deaf person
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
