I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
