i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
