Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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