a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
