Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
