I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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