It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
