Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
