my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
