I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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