There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
splinters make it hard to masturbate
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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