apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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