i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
