I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
