im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
