My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
