Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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