got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
