he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize