When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
