she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
