Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
