going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
