good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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