no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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