Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize