I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
