I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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