my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
